Wedding Salam Money: Should It Go to the Newlyweds or the Parents?

This is a classic question many young Malay couples ask after their wedding reception: the large pile of "duit salam" (wedding cash gifts) that's been collected - should it go to the newlyweds to start their new life, or to the parents who spent big to host the reception?

The question sounds simple, but it actually involves three layers: Islamic law, Malay cultural custom, and family financial reality. The answer you get can vary depending on who you ask - older-generation parents, religious scholars (mufti), or fellow newlywed friends.

In this article, I'll lay out all perspectives clearly: the Islamic ruling, the customary practice, and most importantly - how young couples and parents can discuss this fairly without losing respect. This isn't just about money, it's about the start of a financial relationship within a new family.

Short Answer

According to Ustaz Azhar Idrus and the mufti's view, the salam money belongs to whoever invited the guest who gave it. If the guest was invited by the newlyweds (their close friends or personal contacts), the money belongs to the newlyweds. If the guest was invited by the parents (neighbours, parents' friends, extended family connected to the parents), the money belongs to the parents. In reality, most Malay wedding receptions on the bride's side are financed by the bride's parents, so it's reasonable for the salam money to help offset the reception cost. The best solution: discuss openly between the newlyweds and parents BEFORE the wedding, not after.

What Is "Duit Salam" or "Duit Kaut"?

Before we go further, let's understand the term.

Duit salam (also called duit kaut in Kelantan and several regions) is money given by guests to the newlyweds during the salam-greeting at the wedding reception. Traditionally, this amount is RM5 to RM50 per salam, although with inflation today, many give RM10 to RM100.

It's different from: - Mas kahwin (mahar): the obligatory gift from the husband to the wife as part of the marriage contract - absolute right of the wife - Duit hantaran: an additional gift from the groom's side to the bride's side as custom - Wedding gifts: items or money given as formal gifts

Duit salam is an informal contribution from guests attending the reception, usually as help to cover the cost of the feast.

The Islamic Ruling on Duit Salam

What's the Ruling on Giving Salam Money?

According to Ustaz Azhar Idrus's explanation reported on several Islamic portals, the ruling on giving money or gifts when attending a wedding is:

• SUNAT (recommended) - not obligatory
• If you forget to bring money: permissible (no sin), because eating at a wedding feast doesn't require payment
• If you're deliberately stingy despite being able to give: it's makruh (disliked)

Meaning: guests are NOT obliged to give salam money. It's a voluntary gift.

Who Owns the Salam Money?

This is the critical part. The main view explained by Ustaz Azhar Idrus and other scholars:

"By custom, guests contribute to whoever invited them."

Meaning: - Guests invited by the newlyweds (workplace friends, school gang, the newlyweds' personal contacts) → their money belongs to the newlyweds - Guests invited by the parents (neighbours, parents' colleagues, extended family members connected through the parents) → their money belongs to the parents

The guest's intention matters. If a neighbour comes because of his relationship with the bride's mother, his intention is to help the bride's mother (whom he knows), not the bride he may not know well.

The Ruling on Walimah (Wedding Feast) Itself

To understand who is the "host" of the reception, we need to understand the walimah ruling:

According to the Federal Territory Mufti's view reported in Remaja.my:

• Walimah is sunat muakkad (highly recommended) on the groom (husband)
• If the bride's side holds the reception, the husband's sunnah is considered fulfilled
• The bride's parents or guardians SHOULD NOT burden the groom's side with the reception cost

So: from the legal standpoint, the husband is the one who is sunat to hold the walimah. But in Malaysian custom, the bride's side often bears the large reception, often with help from the duit hantaran from the groom's side.

The Malay Customary View: Financial Reality

Traditional Malay custom is very clear about wedding economics:

1. The Bride's Side Bears the Big Reception

In tradition, the bride's parents plan and bear the cost of the main reception. This cost can reach RM30,000 to RM150,000 or more depending on the reception size - including: - Tent and dais rental - Catering for hundreds to thousands of guests - Wedding attire - Photographer & videographer - Door gifts for guests - Side costs (decoration, signage, etc.)

2. Duit Hantaran as Contribution

The groom's side gives duit hantaran (usually RM5,000 to RM30,000 or more) as a contribution to the bride's family. This money is often used by the parents to cover part of the reception cost.

3. Duit Salam as Additional Help

Duit salam from guests, which can amount to tens of thousands of ringgit (if the reception is large), is usually considered help to cover the remaining cost not covered by duit hantaran.

From the customary perspective, if the parents bore 100% of the reception cost in the tens of thousands, and duit salam totals RM20,000-RM50,000, logically the duit salam is meant to recoup part of what the parents spent.

Financial Reality for Today's Young Couples

But on the other side, the situation for Malaysian young couples today is different from their parents' era:

Financial Challenges After Marriage

• First home rent: RM800-RM2,500 per month
• Buying furniture and home essentials: RM10,000-RM30,000
• A car if they don't have one yet: RM50,000+
• Emergency savings for the new couple
• Preparation for children (if they plan to start a family)

For couples whose parents can afford to bear the big reception and don't depend on duit salam, duit salam can be substantial starting capital for the new life. It can: - Pay a home deposit - Buy furniture without debt - Become emergency savings - Start savings/investments for the future

This is very relevant to the principle of financial planning by life stage - a new couple starting with solid capital is key to long-term financial stability.

How Should Young Couples and Parents Discuss?

The crux of the issue isn't money - it's communication. Here's the practical approach:

Before the Wedding (MOST IMPORTANT)

Discuss early. Ideally when planning the reception, not after all the money has been collected.

Questions to discuss with parents: 1. What's the estimated reception cost? 2. How much duit hantaran is the groom's side giving? 3. Do the parents expect duit salam to cover the remainder? 4. Can the parents bear it even if duit salam isn't enough? 5. Distribution plan: what percentage for the parents, what for the newlyweds?

An open discussion avoids disappointment and misunderstanding.

After the Wedding

If there was no early discussion and conflict suddenly arises, the suggested principle:

1. Separate the money by guest intention source (if identifiable): - Money from newlyweds' guests (newlyweds' close friends) → newlyweds - Money from parents' guests (neighbours, parents' friends) → parents

2. If it can't be separated: split fairly by the percentage of cost borne. For example: if the parents bore 70% of the cost, they get 70% of the salam money.

3. The newlyweds should respect the parents' sacrifice. Even though legally some of the money belongs to the newlyweds, from an Islamic ethics standpoint, returning the money to the parents who spent big is a form of gratitude and maintaining the relationship.

Practical View: 3 Common Scenarios

Scenario A: Parents Are Well-Off, Don't Depend on Salam Money

If the parents can afford it and are ready to bear the full cost: - Duit salam can be given in full to the newlyweds as starting capital for the new life - It's the parents' gift to the children

Scenario B: Parents Depend on Salam Money to Cover Costs

If the parents spent big and hoped duit salam would help recover: - Duit salam should be returned to the parents - The newlyweds should understand and not take offence - The family relationship is more important than starting capital

Scenario C: The Middle Ground (Most Common)

The parents can afford it but already spent big: - Fair distribution: 50:50 or 60:40 - The newlyweds get part of it for their new life - The parents get part as compensation - The split is determined by discussion between both sides

Financial Lessons for Young Couples

The duit salam case has some broader financial lessons:

1. Financial Communication Is the Foundation of a Healthy Marriage

If you can't discuss RM20,000 of duit salam with your parents, how will you discuss a RM200,000 home deposit, or RM500,000 retirement planning with your spouse? Practise this skill early.

2. Starting Capital Isn't Everything

Although duit salam can be good starting capital, long-term financial success comes from discipline and saving habits, not from a single cash injection. Understanding the psychology of money is more important than just getting initial capital.

3. Your Relationship With Your Parents Is a Long-Term Asset

In his book Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki writes about the concept of assets. But one of the most valuable assets in life is a good relationship with family. Quarrels over a few thousand ringgit of duit salam can fracture a relationship you'll need for a lifetime.

4. Start Saving Early, Don't Wait for Salam Money

If you plan to get married but don't have savings yet, don't expect duit salam to save you. Start saving and investing early - you can start through a CDS account for stock investing with small consistent amounts.

FAQ: Common Questions About Wedding Salam Money

Q: What's the ruling on the newlyweds taking the salam money? A: Permissible if the guests who gave it were invited by the newlyweds. If the guests were invited by the parents, the money belongs to the parents, and the newlyweds should discuss with the parents about any sharing.

Q: Are parents obliged to give the salam money to the newlyweds? A: Not obligated by law. But it's a form of affection and customary if the parents give part or all of it to the newly-married child as help to start their new life.

Q: What's the ruling if the newlyweds take all the salam money without telling the parents? A: It's not in line with Islamic ethics. Scholars state that if the parents organise the reception and bear the cost, the children should discuss before taking the money, as a sign of respecting the parents' sacrifice.

Q: Is duit salam subject to zakat or tax? A: Duit salam is considered a gift, not earned income. It's usually not subject to income tax. For zakat, if it's combined with savings and meets the nisab and haul, it's subject to wealth zakat like other investment holdings.

Q: How much salam money is typically collected at one reception? A: It depends on the reception size and number of guests. For a moderate reception (300-500 guests) in Malaysia, the usual amount is between RM10,000 and RM40,000. For a large reception, it can reach RM100,000+.

Q: How to discuss duit salam with parents without losing respect? A: Discuss early (not after the reception). Start by asking how much the parents are spending and how they plan to cover it. Ask for their views openly. Show respect and gratitude, NOT like you're claiming a right.

Q: Is there a difference between salam money from the groom's side and the bride's side? A: Legally, the same - the recipient's right is based on who invited the guest. But in custom, the groom's family and the bride's family may have separate calculations about who covers their respective costs.

Q: If a married couple never discusses this money issue, what's the long-term effect? A: Potentially negative. Couples who don't discuss money issues early tend to face financial conflicts in marriage. Start financial communication early - even before marriage.

Conclusion

The question of duit salam isn't about who "should" get it - it's about how the family communicates honestly, respectfully, and fairly. According to Islamic law, the money belongs to whoever invited the guests - but custom and the family's financial reality also need to be considered. The best solution isn't a mathematical formula, but an open discussion between newlyweds and parents before the reception, with both sides ready to compromise.

Whether the salam money ends up with the newlyweds or the parents, the main principle remains the same: young couples need to start building a solid financial foundation for their new life.

One of the most effective ways is to start investing early even with small amounts. Open a CDS Account to start investing in Bursa Malaysia and also foreign stocks like the US and Hong Kong - enabling young couples to start building long-term assets soon after marriage.

For a systematic foundation in investing from zero, download our Stock Market Basics Ebook for free as a starting step.

Further Reading

• Financial Planning Roadmap: What to Do in Your 20s, 30s, 40s Through Retirement
• The Psychology of Money: Why Managing Money Is 80% Behaviour, Not Brains
• Rich Dad Poor Dad: Why the Rich Buy Assets and the Poor Buy Liabilities
• When Does Trading Become Gambling? The Line Between Investing & Speculation in Islam
• Shariah-Compliant vs Conventional Investing: Which Is Better?